i am not explaining this right, for the god damn millionth time, i'm not explaining this right. but i had the words, i had them, my left ear goes out, like a light switched off. the bones break in tiny microscopic slices and the muscles push. okay, how many times can you fall backwards into yourself? how far do i go? let me ask you something and i'm sure the answers yes, i fucking hope the answers yes, i don't know what it will mean if it is not, tell me, do you know what it tastes like to be very, very alone? very, very alone. i am the opposite of air.
my brain is white hot and flashing and my blood has stopped moving. my hearts slowed way down. there are not enough words for frozen and there is not enough air in my lungs. eventually i find a way outside. i am clutching papers in a field. in the sun were rows and rows of small children that seemed sort of old, or timeless, they are all wearing a crisp shade of orange. in the field the children are lying down or bent over. a small girl stops me.
she says you're kerry. i say yes.
she says you are everyone.
i say nothing. i say please. i have to know about certain people, if they’re safe. she says who? her eyes exist but are not there. these children were all knowing, i knew, so what was i?! i say my brothers name. she says nothing. she says he is hurt. she is not sure or will not tell me if he is still alive. i cry.i ask about you. she would find you, she said.
i missed you, my heart. i was dying.
i knew you knew.
she said everyone knows you because you are everyone. she said you will be the one.
i don't know, i can't sleep, what is beating? fucking nothing. this is only half the story. this is only kerrys second tooth (bottom right) 3/4/93 in an envelope.