my birthday is soon/i don't want to

i walked to the library in town today, it’s very small and old and smells absolutely wonderful, i got a saul bellow book i’ve been wanting and one bukowski didn’t have yet. when i kneeled down to look through the books which i always do, sometimes i even sit on the floor for a really long time, but today dust got all over my knees and it made me feel really good for some reason. there was one librarian, a very old lady whose hand wouldn’t stop shaking, i wanted to cry, but i bought this sticker for a nickel and she told me i looked like someone famous but she couldn’t remember the actresses name. i wanted to hug her for a really long time but i just smiled really big and tried not to cry. 

too much? too much

bottom right

i'm so afraid. fuck i'm so afraid. i'm too afraid to sleep. i’m doing everything you said. i know all of the breathing patterns, the positive reinforcement, the mantras, i’m saying them and still the things won't stop walking around inside me. please, i'm terrified. you couldn’t imagine the fear and i know i shouldn’t write it down, we shouldn't  give voices to fears.  right? what lets them go and what keeps them in? i can’t remember, i don't know. i'm sick. nothing will let go. can you hear me? let me tell you, the pain is so bad i can't tell when i'm asleep in a nightmare or awake. there is a silver slice of light wrapped around my brain, pulling and growing. there are no moving birds in my blood like there used to be just their bones, sitting in thick puddles with no way to move. now i haven’t done this to myself since i was really small, i would keep myself awake all night, i wouldn't dare fall sleep because i could hear things happening, i felt my body respond to things that weren't from here that weren't human, i heard death. i could smell it. it did things to the air inside my head, it stirred me. it spoke and it sang and i shrank and waited and begged. here i am. here i am i know you’re there just please don’t take me. 

i am not explaining this right, for the god damn millionth time, i'm not explaining this right. but i had the words, i had them, my left ear goes out, like a light switched off. the bones break in tiny microscopic slices and the muscles push.  okay, how many times can you fall backwards into yourself? how far do i go? let me ask you something and i'm sure the answers yes, i fucking hope the answers yes, i don't know what it will mean if it is not, tell me, do you know what it tastes like to be very, very alone? very, very alone. i am the opposite of air. 

my brain is white hot and flashing and my blood has stopped moving. my hearts slowed way down. there are not enough words for frozen and there is not enough air in my lungs. eventually i find a way outside. i am clutching papers in a field. in the sun were rows and rows of small children that seemed sort of old, or timeless, they are all wearing a crisp shade of orange. in the field the children are lying down or bent over.  a small girl stops me. 

she says you're kerry. i say yes.
she says you are everyone.
i say nothing. i say please. i have to know about certain people, if they’re safe. she says who? her eyes exist but are not there. these children were all knowing, i knew, so what was i?! i say my brothers name. she says nothing. she says he is hurt. she is not sure or will not tell me if he is still alive. i cry.i ask about you. she would find you, she said.

i missed you, my heart. i was dying. 
i knew you knew.
she said everyone knows you because you are everyone. she said you will be the one.
i don't know, i can't sleep, what is beating? fucking nothing. this is only half the story. this is only kerrys second tooth (bottom right) 3/4/93 in an envelope.