neuronal function

- i'm in panic
i see panic
it isn't something you just feel
its every single thing ever
in one place
shouting.
distract me
i can send you that song i told you about if you like
i just put it on and i shouldn't have, i'm hiding in the bathroom with the door locked 
i can't breathe even a little 
what is outside this bathroom door,
what is life what is it? i dont mean it the way they do in those videos
that they play for adolescents, i mean it like the panic i mentioned
who are we to have any choices ever when we all know its not up to us, really, 
how does anyone ever know what it is to really want or anything at all, fucking anything? 
where do we go when we go? 
look i'm going to send the song because i know i should give it to you
 but i am afraid it wont be what it is for me for you. i am babbling i am panic.

-may i ask you something?

yes , always.

-you'd probably punch me in the face if i was next to you

-i wouldn't.

-is there anything in the bathroom that is pretty?

-god. just the song, i guess.  that question just helped me breathe, a little, it was a good one. do you remember that three wishes song? if i had three the first one would be that you would know how gorgeous everything that is you is.

-'cinap'.

-that is a word, i think.

-yeah, panic backwards.

- god damn. you're so good
 it also means something,  spelled different
'synapse' i feel  like it means the jist of a story i think or, 
oh wow i just looked it up.  --- "In the nervous system, a synapse is a structure that permits a neuron to pass an electrical or chemical signal to another cell (neural or otherwise). The word "synapse" comes from "synaptein", which Sir Charles Scott Sherrington and colleagues coined from the Greek "syn-" ("together") and "haptein" ("to clasp")."
my god. "to clasp". i only recognized the word from all the doctors.

- i'm here.
to clasp.  the song is on now.

-  i have had it for awhile, i put it on a mix and then left it on while i showered.  i heard it from inside and i came right out and walked out into the living room with water dripping off me, nothing was dry, no towel, the water was still running but i needed to get out there. i had to feel it for myself as close as i could, i couldn't believe what he was saying and how it sounded when he said it, i couldn't believe anything, i kept it on repeat for at least two or three hours. but it's hard to show someone something that is like that. especially because i think things are always debted to timing.

- that is a good way to put it, debted to timing. 

-it's true.
god, the way you spelled panic backwards for me, the way that it is c-i-n-a-,p the way this sounds like synapse, the way a synapse is essential to neuronal function, to give signals and pass them around, the way my synapses work, or don't work, or criss-cross, both fast and slow, i want to hold my neuronal functions in my hands and squeeze really hard, throw light against walls and make a sound, i want to crush it the way it crushes me. the way that i am sitting on this bathroom floor pretending the air in here is warmer and just making you listen and listen. listen, the organ in this song, it's both fast and slow too and i still can't breathe, why cant life be like a song.
they used to use organs in church but they were all fucking wrong about it.
why didn't they do it like this? if they had done this i'd believe in god by now.

-i think we'd all believe in god and maybe ourselves if people could see this, that this is what should be done, like when we are little and even when we get big.

-little is done for.
everything is done for.
do you know i know you're a poem?

-how

- because when i'm around you or talking with you i'm in one and you make me feel like i am one. thank you for the poems i am sorry for the panic i am sorry for organs in churches  i'm sorry to go now, to just leave to never say everything i miss you. 

2 comments:

wiredwriter said...

Fucking love this part

i want to hold my neuronal functions in my hands and squeeze really hard, throw light against walls and make a sound, i want to crush it the way it crushes me

I love how your writing is so damn visceral. Don't stop.

THOM YOUNG said...

very well done again