martyrs

right, okay, this. so it hurts a lot more when you're lonely while in love with the person right there rather than on your own just you, maybe not strong or totally together, but not really lonely. not like this, with you right now. this is why i always stayed in control, of my chaos or my peace, i remember. you're like the sad part of the movie, where the audience winces and wonders if the whole film is worth these  sharp, tiny, wet shards  of tears. i would pay one million dollars not to see your dreams tonight and to not worry about who dances in them. on second thought i'd pay one million dollars just not to have to dream mine. and before this very minute i was about to start writing about the end-of-the-world-sex we were still breathing in and out until i heard that grizzly bear song and started to cry and turned to see you had just fallen asleep and then i remember things i said and some things you said back, all empty-eyed and angry.  i needed to know and i needed to hear you, "do you swallow the darkness or does the darkness swallow you?" and light? and not ever sleeping? or actually sleeping but then having to dream? and to "owe"? not even only what you owe but how to owe it right? without crying? and the impossibility of all of us existing?
nothing.
 "kerry fuck you and your self righteous sadness."
i doubt its the meanest things you've ever said to me but i still wrote it down. and i know i brought up your past lovers earlier but i really didn't mean to, it just leaked out of my brain onto your eyes and everything turned blue, with the song still playing in my head and your ghost, right here, asleep, away. now the room is dark. so. now the keys click and the wind screams like i want to but i won't, don't panic, i won't wake you up again anymore. unless of course, the words and the sentences and the typing stirs you and if it does well then that makes two of us.

 self-righteous: adjective Definition: smug Synonyms: affected, canting, complacent, egotistical, goody-goody, holier-than-thou, hypocritical, noble, pharisaic, pious, preachy, sanctimonious, self-satisfied, superior Antonyms: caring, humble, thoughtful, understanding.

3 comments:

Alexandra said...

This is great. I want to spray paint the walls with "Alexandra fuck you and your self righteous sadness"

Kerry Giangrande said...

do you really?

Alexandra said...

I used really big paper instead, otherwise I'd have to paint the walls white again, and I have no energy.