6:16pm

chestnut:

one million years ago i'd sit in bed really late at night or early in the morning and write you long, rambling letters about why i could never really love anyone fully, not for anything ever, i wasn't the kind. i was trying to make you to understand, get it? and then in the blink of someones eyes i was here next to you in this bed,  your lips parted slightly for breaths while you slept and i'd stay up and think and worry and think. i'm still up and yeah, fine, there's a very exact time for every task and every token, for every blink you lose a home. for every dream you get ten nightmares and for sleeping in they'll be the kind you know you're in but can't wake yourself out of.  for every saint i'll be the sinner. i'll leave. i'll live with you-know-who and i'll just try not to think while he fucks me. and no, i am absolutely not sitting indian style, alone,  playing the same song over and over smoking cigarettes while trying to articulate what exactly it is i am missing from myself. i am going to call you. i swear. i am going to call you and i'll say. i'll call you and i'll say whatever falls outof mymouth. i will not say that there is nothing romantic about romance. i will not say there is nothing wild enough in the wilderness. i won't say anything of the sort because it's not fair to life even though life is never fair to anyone. chestnut i said things that were terrible but they were true because i am only good at falling fast, arms flailing and maybe you could put me back and then i could remember how i got here and how to use my hands and head - forget my heart. i have learned that it is yours, there's not a chunk you don't own, i can't have it ever again, not anymore. but it really doesn't matter much, in the end, because everything will just stay forest-quiet, i know, and we'll keep moving and moving, me naked and mentally in pieces and you on fire.

7 comments:

aaron nicholas said...

damn

that was expressed beautifully

Alexandra said...

"for every saint i'll be the sinner"

Again, this is so good.

. said...

your writing is so amazing. i read everything you post and love all of it. this especially is one of my favorites.
never stop.

kerry said...

you are all dandelions.

rollerfink said...

I love your writing. So original. So wonderful.

Anonymous said...

your writing is beautiful

kerry said...

mmmmmmm, so nice of you. somuchthanks.