Touching Animals For the First Time.

i said turn the lights off because that is the way i say 'we have to talk.' 
darkness is required. 

i'm glad you're listening because i still wonder you know. i didn't forget one thing. look, boy, you were always so frail. there was a volatile atmosphere to the love-making. there was shaking. you shook often. the bedroom would become disconsolate and colors would change completely to let me know i'd been very very wrong. i was alone then. we were together but i was alone with new colors.
i moved and you moved. you saw shooting stars and i saw a new sharp, swarming, needle-pointed blue, so? fuck, i'd think. "fuck" you'd say before you'd come and i'd hear my name inside and around your heavy breaths and there i'd become overwhelmingly aware of a gigantic space where my heart used to be and the unfulfilled commitments of a job required to respond to situations just like this. mentally in need of a checked-off "to-do list" only it would say "to feel" and when and where and names for these new hostile colors.  this was the wrong kind of movie, the distantly sad, but, of course, this was just the kind i'd watch. me; masochistic and curious, i stayed and i waited and watched myself in the corner near your window. it was a strong and distant sadness that was easily intoxicated, getting numb and then realizing that, i wasn't, not really.
but dove: you were just that, i wasn't just trying to be nice, dove.

have you ever held one?
any kind of bird?
don't.
it is frightening and it is never what you expect. the delicacy is startling. it's the sort of animal body that when first touched makes you jump bit at its softness and fragility.  i am not explaining this right.
listen, sit. did you ever notice the world is filled with things too gorgeously and painfully alive to be messed around with? they don't belong to us or here. look, like horses. have you ever possibly admired a horse close-up? face-to-face? you hesitate. hey, but, they'll let you. a tawny black one, maybe, or a pure earth-white horse, its muscles artistically placed and moving always as it moves.  it is almost disturbing how the muscles move this way, like a quiet girl dancing very well but not showing it off. i am asking you to watch. watch the horses. there is some trinity, total and perfect you can witness right there in their eyes that is from heaven and from earth and from hell. they're burdened by an awareness of something we are not designed to understand. it's there. peer inside. love and fear were put there and stay wildly naked and available, a bit frighteningly. right here its never a lie. they carry us without question, we get up on and ride like god called us a cab, but he didn't. we shouldn't.
you and i, we are undeserving. the earth does not wish to carry us.  it wants the attention of the horses. focus.
blue: i am saying. you were wild in this way. there were bon-fires in your eyes. i watched. i never wasn't looking. even with a vacationing heart and it's empty bedroom. the earth is warm on you, you it wishes to carry. darling you were never the wolf and i know it makes you sad but you are the fast-breathing sort of creature, the prince of animals of a graceful frailness.  and blue, im not lying, it was beautiful. 


1 comment:

Alexandra said...

I'm listening to The Middle East - Blood as I'm reading this. I envy.