un-edited, and afraid

what now?
words is what now.
a copy of a copy of a copy, they say.
the alarm goes off, 11:00 am. feeling heavy and dark clouded, moving like a whisper.
socks, no socks, throws socks, fall into the car, fall into sleep, half-sleep, begs sleep. the day moves even with no watch on, even with your eyes closed it began just like that.
we walked in and had to wait a long time in the waiting room but i laid on my mothers lap and tried to sleep, i was definitely inhabiting some sort of cloud, some thick haze, i waited until they called me in the back and asked me some questions, questions like "are you sure of your decision today?" and "what medications are you on" the doctor and the nurse, yes the nurse had to be there, i remembered it was something to do with sexual harassment laws, and they ran some tests then they took me in another room and gave me a juice box and these pills to hold inside my cheeks for thirty minutes to soften my cervix but i wanted to take something good and strong, real. i wanted drugs, i wanted white light in the brain and warm blue in the body. i thought they would give me something to relax but they didn't i sat there for this thirty minutes i tried not to think of anything. the juice box was apple and eve, what my mom used to buy when i was little. the doctor came in, i thought of everything, i took off my pants and underwear and sat on the bed with my feet up in the stirrups the doctor kept needing me to inch closer, he kept saying "scoot" the end of my back almost off the bed the machine was next to me with three clear tubes coming out of it.
when i laid down it started to rain really, really hard, a thunder storm was starting the sky got all dark the doctor said there were hurricane warnings, hard thunder rolled and rocked, i said "typical" my mom sat on a stool next to me and positioned my head so it was in her arms and i put my little white headphones in my ear, hard and the doctor was a very kind old man and he looked at me in the eyes but i wouldn't look back and he talked to me but i couldn't hear him, nothing he said made sense, it was another language, i was sure of it. my mom was trying to help me breathe properly but i couldn't, my insides were greedy for the air, the air was so stubborn and my lungs were the smallest thing in the room, the doctor opened me up with an instrument and gave me a needle on both sides of the inside of my cervix to numb it and i started to cry, "road to joy" came on the ipod and i worked real hard to concentrate on conor obersts' voice and it worked, his voice was hard and juicy at the same time but  the doctor turned on the vacuum and i could hear that, too and he put a tube far in me and i could feel it rubbing against my insides and he was talking but it sounded really far away and i told my mom i couldn't hear him she said can you hear anything?
i said yes and she put her hands real hard on my ears and came really close i felt bad i didn't give her a headphone she didn't want to hear the vacuum either but i couldn't i couldn't and then it started to suck and move around and it hurt so bad, like slicing up, and i could feel it when it was a big piece and when it was blood and liquid and when the pieces went i cried so hard  and i thought about you a lot and baby hair and baby heads and boys or girls and i could hear the pieces bumping in the tube and the thunder was really loud  and i knew, and i let it happen and i let it come in me until i knew i couldn't, i heard the biggest piece then i skipped every song until i heard conor again and he said "reinvent the wheel"  and when i heard "so i hope to see you soon, in some other form" i kept thinking it. i didn't want to cry in front of everyone, i tried not to and a lot stayed in my throat and i kept wondering if it thundered because the baby was important and i was thinking about its hands and i could not stop crying and it was a long time it felt like a long time my mom cried too we both had our heads together and she was whispering things but i didn't know what and it didn't matter and re:stacks started, tiptoed  in and i was shaking all over and i thought how many songs did i skip over? those four that i heard? how long is that how many minutes has it been? i didn't know, years maybe.
 the doctor said it was over, i thought how many of these has he done today, there has to  still be sadness somewhere in this room, they all stood around, everyone knew it was done and i pulled my head phones out and my whole body was shaking and i couldn't feel my lips, not even a little, and my hands were cold and my mom tried to hold my body still but something else was stronger than her and it wanted me to shake and the nurse said it was okay but not to stand up yet and i got a shot in my arm and i lied there and made attempts at breathing and keeping in the crying and after awhile i stood up and everything felt different everything feels different and everything hurts . i've been asleep since i got home. these words are all that will ever exist of that, spirit. is this allowed to be written?

10 comments:

Ned Buskirk said...

mmmm. allowed.

Alexandra said...

This is captivating and raw. It stirs something up, not quite sure what but I feel it in the pit of my stomach.

wiredwriter said...

I'm speechless except that I can only get out how utterly amazing this is. Thanks for being unafraid to write it.

DJ Berndt said...

Very powerful. I hope that everything is ok and that you are ok.

Dee said...

my tears are probably made of broken glass at the moment, I guess this is the only reason why they're not pouring out right now...

my gf showed me this... thanks to her, and to you for this beautiful although sad, piece of... words...

KERRY said...

these comments are immensely comforting and you all have no idea how much it means to me. thank you so much.

Anonymous said...

Sweetheart I love you and I love that you can "feel" with such deepness. You will be okay, always.......KG

deadendemily said...

this is spectacularly brave, i remember why we write now, it's for moments like these.

karissa said...

this is the first thing ive read in a really long time that made me feel something. <3

rollerfink said...

this should be written in 36 point font. or what is the biggest font? well, because my eyes are old but also because your words are bursting and cannot be contained in tiny letters.

you are 100 points big.