i knew when i wrote it i was lying

things we think up at night.

you walked into the room like you were some sort of secret and i watched you carefully. you had a closed umbrella, but not tied back up, dangling from your hand and it was dripping drops on the wood floor, i counted, one, two, three, drops.

things that fit together fall apart.

even in my dreams i'm dreaming.  in my dreams i have dreams, i learn things that are not safe for the real world, not here ---  if you're going to say anything you had better whisper.  in my dreams i know all of the answers and then i slowly forget, like holding a pile of leaves and handfuls dropping at different times, i walk and they crunch, the usual.

i am trying to tell you.

i should be tired  and i should be lonely but somehow it sinks in and disintegrates.
it becomes me; you're proof.  so i wear it like a scarf that goes off and on at my leisure because there once was a girl who asked a million questions until they all became one answer that she used whenever she needed it, the answer was yes but she didn't use her mouth to say it only her eyes and whenever you were around she tried her best to stay quiet.

it was like this.

you: legs crossed at the ankles , hands folded, eyes demanding the usual.
me:  tiny sips and a fast heart, too fast. "too fucking happy." us who? 
so i say something hurtful and your face does it's job and my body does it's too.  like a camera flash but it happens on the inside, like a pause for your heart that becomes a sharp light that travels up the back of your neck and front of your lungs to your brain, and then settles. this almost hurts but afterwords everything is clear, the truth is crystal clear because here pain is the only proof of love, it's how we were taught the definition, the meanings.
this is a swamp to muddle through, heavy boots and wet wars with the land.
this is me trying.

7 comments:

just brian said...

the trip to your brain is brilliant
sorted.

just brian said...

the trip to your brain is brilliant
sorted.

kerrylily said...

:)

rollerfink said...

this is so dope. the whole thing and "things that fit together fall apart."

kerrylily said...

it;s true

Bambi Almendinger said...

nice.

Anonymous said...

walked into the room like some sort of secret