2:39a.m.


we used to play this game in acting class. 
we used to play this game in acting class and it involved two people and improvisation. "improv" we'd call it, entitled to the abbreviation somehow. this game, it involved a building that i would rollerblade to and from, light skies and dark skies , along prospect park west and there were wooden lines on the floor i would stare at in the room we'd perform in, if my brain asked me to, because i always listen to my brain, i have to. we would be put on the spot, on the wooden floor, all of us together, every tuesday, and we would be  given a scenario and we would jump right into it, that's exactly how it would go: JUMP. jump. no hello, no my name is -- just, this is who we are now and that is how it goes. just, you are a dying girl, and in your hand is a book, you are a flower and in your eyes is the night time, you are stuck in a room full of a thousand people and the handles on the doors have turned to water. run with it. i didn't mind the sharp spotlight -  it was easy to get cozy inside and i didn't mind the quiet audience and just my voice out loud but also in my head or the hot feeling in your brain and ears and hands, i didn't mind any of it. i was very good at all of it, in fact. people on the streets of brooklyn would stop me and say, hey, i know you. you were in that play and god you're fantastic and what did i think of it? who knows. probably i lit up like a god damn night light you stare at when you're calling out to your mom or dad for a glass of water or milk, when you are supposed to be sleeping. probably.
tomorrow is valentine's day and i have a few things to say. tomorrow is valentine's day and if you ask me an important question i'll probably just smile and walk away from you, a quick turn and i'll probably sing a song when i do it.
is it possible that it's funny how many times i have said the words "i don't think it works that way" in the past three days? i don't think so. i don't think it's funny. i don't think most things are funny, but i'll laugh anyway, because i get paid to and i know it makes you feel good.
i think my heart is cracking open,  i can hear it, i can feel it, coconut style, i am falling off of the trees. is that why you wrote that poem? you asked, i thought, it must be, god knows why else i wrote it. and we say god but what do we mean? what do i mean. you've said this before and you've said that before too, but fuck it, no one knows.
fucking words, they will eat you alive, truly.  i watch them all the time, i put them on the plate and we all gobble them up like the mornings of your death row sentencing,. that's exactly what this sounds like and you know it, you know it and that's why you eat them just like you do, with the closing of your eyes and the sounds out of your mouth, i know it, i can see you but i lie. so don't ask me questions because i am not in a very honest mood, at present, or very often, as a matter of fact, but mostly right now because i am in a "i won't give you a straight answer because this is how i feel safe mood" or a "how could anyone give a straight answer ever there whole lives mood?" and what about the crookeds and the loops? or the swirls and circles, i will tell you what about them, they are something you hold in your hand that you want to throw out but you keep it balled in your fist because you are in a very uncomfortable conversation with someone you don't necessarily enjoy talking to and you need some thing to hold on to, to absorb your sweaty palms. throw it out then, when you're done but don't look at me like you've lost something, don't look at me like you know. we pretend the most important feeling in the whole world isn't when you are right about to go on stage and you may or may not have been practicing vowel sounds or your lines from a scene in a room that echoes well and is very darkly lit compared to the lights when your feet hit the stage and the eyeballs are there but not important but very necessary, but it is. it is.

4 comments:

Kevin said...

I need to write at 2 in the morning more often..

kerrylily said...

i highly recommend it

ryan manning said...

~

Jeff said...

fucking excellent rant